I have to say... this is my first time writing on the blog since baby Jameson went to be with Jesus. I said that I was not going to write again but the Lord pressed upon my heart to share more of our lives with you. I am not sure how we are doing. People ask all of the time, how are you and I say "Just fine". What those words mean are....I am not sure how I am. The emotions are different each day. And sometimes I have NO emotions at all. The roller coaster of peace and pain comes often. I have NEVER experienced so much peace from Jesus. And on the other hand, the pain is so overwhelming at times. The great sense of loss is tremendous!!! Jesus gained an amazing baby in heaven and I lost that same baby. I miss Jameson very much. I know that God understands my pain. He lost a Son too.... and for His loss... my son now is with His Son. That is what gets me through the pains and when I remember that... the peace comes. Thank you Jesus for knowing my every emotion and YOU are GOOD all of the time.
Our family just went on a vacation. It was the boys spring break and we went to the mountains of North Carolina. We had a great time together. We fished, hiked and canoed. It was soooo cold and the boys did not want to wear jackets. They are such Florida boys....shorts and flip flops are all they know. The time together was good and Todd and I were able to look into the boys eyes and see how they were really doing. The boys seem to be handling all this really good. Zachary wants to talk about everything. He wants to listen to the music that was played at the memorial service all of the time. And he wants to tell us what he remembers about Jameson at the hospital. Zacahry is very open and really does not want to forget his baby brother. I overheard a conversation the boys were having and Zachary said to Nicholas, "Jameson will always be our brother". Nicholas just said "I know". Nicholas is the quiet one....he doesn't really talk that much about Jameson. He will listen and say a little but not very much. His personality is to think and process his emotions internally. I sometimes get a little nervous about that but....I cannot change who he is. It is a really good thing that Nicholas and Zachary are different. Zacahary's strengths are coming out (very talkative and expressive) and I believe that this is helping Nicholas process his thoughts. Just as long as their brother is being talked about...there is comfort for all of us. I have such a fear that we will forget about Jameson and that we will stop talking about him. Zachary is the one who will NOT let us stop talking about Jameson....and that makes me happy. Nicholas and his quiet strength seems to be leading him to an amazing place....he prays differently because of our loss. Nicholas's prayers are more for others and less for self. He is growing up and maturing right infront of our eyes. The boys are becoming little men who know what it is like to suffer the loss of a baby brother and see how God can use both of their strengths to help heal our family.
I will never look at life the same. When I really think about the verse that says "ALL things work together for GOOD"....something, I veiw as painful...God turns around for GOOD. We will NEVER know on this side of heaven all of the GOOD that has been brought about by a little boy with a very bad skin disease. But I stand on the truth that ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
I am not sure what to do about the blog...do I keep writing and keeping you guys up to date on us or what? I guess we will just know. I cannot tell you how much all of you guys have meant to us and how often God used you through this blog to encourage us. There were days when God spoke to us through your words. You guys are so loved by us and the prayers you prayed for us were ALL answered.